Breathing Through Discomfort

“Don’t runaway from discomfort, Breathe through discomfort.” That has been the main thought/ theme for myself this week. To be honest, this has not been a very good week for me. I am unsure if I should expect this week every year to be a drab of a week or not. This is the second year in a row, but I would say this year I have handled it better than last.

So why this particular week? This is the week in between my mom’s death and her funeral. She left us on October 9th and we said our goodbyes on October 15th—My Birthday. I am not bitter about that in the least. Her goal was to be here for all of our birthdays one last time, and she did it! Of course she would choose mine to leave lol, but that is okay. I don’t mind sharing my day with her at all. It is actually pretty sweet and symbolic. Thank ya Mama <3

The Universe must know this week will be this way (October 9th was the full moon, FYI), because things in the work place during this week are not tip top either. It happened around the same time last year too. I would say there is progress, because I am not have mental fucking breakdowns at work and crying all day. I have just been rolling with this metaphorical damp coat on my shoulders, getting through my days.

My anxiety has been through the roof, alongside my brain being quite numb and my body just feeling so achy. These are familiar feelings I have been experiencing for the past two years during this time. Regardless of my mental progression, my body remembers everything. Even though it is sad, it is pretty incredible the body is capable of that. I believe the more self aware we can be, the more we can trust ourselves. I have led a life of not trusting myself, so being closer to a point of fully trusting myself is pretty great. I am very grateful for my progression.

Anyway, as I was saying, I feel so anxious and restless, I just want to jump out of my skin. I can’t get comfortable, time is just ticking by slowly, I have to deal with confrontation later today, and I feel utterly exhausted. I have so much to do at home, and I feel like my body is incapable of accomplishing those tasks. What the heck, it is my birthday weekend, Goddammit, why the fuck am I feeling this way? I almost don’t even feel like celebrating my birthday, because I just feel so down.

But as these thoughts and feelings come to me, I remember— This will be round 2 of this terrible week. If this is round 2, that means I have survived round 1. If that is the case, then this will pass right?

Absolutely.

Yes, the anxiety sucks, the depression, the mind-numbing-body-aching-slump I am feeling sucks pretty fucking hard. But I acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and remember— This too shall pass. Breathe Leilani. Don’t runaway from this discomfort. You always talk about growth, and you are growing. Growing is never comfortable. Struggle is necessary for success.

I struggle with accepting peace in my life. The past month has been the first time I have just accepted peace and rolled with it. I wasn’t paranoid about the next hurdle that would come. I knew another one would come though— Such is life. As soon as I get through this, I will have leveled up in my progress in life; and I will embrace that inevitable peace with even more love.

You’ve got this girl!

—xoxoxoxoxo